Drawn to darkness

I can remember when I was a young teenager - from the time I was 12 - I was undeniably drawn to darkness. I wore all black. I painted my face white with dark eyes and lips. I really wanted to dye my hair black, but my mom wouldn't let me. When I was 13 I got a mohawk, because I was allowed to cut my hair after I turned 11. I wanted the world to see my displeasure with the way things were. I didn't like 'peppy' people - happy people - people who wore pink skirts with pom-pom ponytails - and I wanted to show them how much I protested their ignorant bliss. Didn't they realize how horrible life was? How much suffering existed? Were they blind to all the sadness and despair - living in some Candyland dreamworld?

I remember agonizing in my suffering. I felt that all of the suffering in the world was concentrating in my small, helpless body, and I felt incapable of doing anything about it. I felt powerless, weak, insignificant, unknown. I remember thinking about the ways I might die. I didn't want to kill myself. That felt weak and selfish - a coward's way out of the suffering and I could never bring myself to do it. But still, I wished that something would kill me. Maybe I could get hit by a bus - or be the innnocent victim of a deadly crime - or maybe I could get cancer. I was frustrated with anyone who didn't share my experience - and very few people did. It seemed like I was alone in a world of utter idiots - until I met John.

John seemed to understand me. He shared the lyrics of Roger Waters with me. Roger was the lyricist and lead singer of Pink Floyd. He wrote The Wall, which seemed to capture all of my internal struggle and suffering in a profound musical package. I listened to that album over and over for more than a year. I always had my 'Walkman' - yeah - it played tapes - there weren't any CDs then. The Wall was two tapes - and you had to flip them over. I wore a jacket with a hood so I could listen to it in school without being caught. 'Hey You' and 'Comfortably Numb' were my favorite songs.

The Wall didn't make things any better for me - but it got me interested in writing my own poetry - lyrics are just poetry put to music. I wrote lots of poems - most of them dark and overflowing with despair. I didn't share them with anyone except John. At least I found a way to let some of the suffering out, but I was still buried in it. Then guess what happened - when I was 14, dating John, wallowing in my suffering, wishing for death every day - I found out I had cancer. It looked like my wish was going to come true.